"I walked across the street. I saw this group of midgets and I mugged them."

"The clown outfit I was wearing helped me maintain the element of surprise."

"However one of them ripped off my bulbous red nose and identified me."

"I was mortified and began running."

"While I was running I tripped over my big red clown shoes and began crying."

"The never ending tears washed away all of my clown makeup."

"I even felt the sudden urge to urinate as the midgets began to encircle me."

"As my body grew warm and wet my sight grew dim from a kick in the face."

"The last thing I remember before losing consciousness was a shrill, tiny voice screeching, 'Yeah, boy! Now we be representin' the Lollypop Guild!'"

"I awoke several hours later in a dark room laying in a puddle of strawberry jelly."

"That's what she said."

"Afterwards, the crazy man, Big Foot, stomped in and caused a ruckus."

"He threw my dog out the window and laughed as Fluffy bounced off the hood of my car. Thank god the shadow prince was there to catch my dog."

"He towered over my dog Osito and I, and cast a crazy, never ending marshmallow shower over the both of us."

"Since they were very hungry they started catching the marshmallows and eating them, but the dog was allergic to them. The dog suddenly began to swell like a blimp, and mere seconds later, he exploded."

"Then I thought about that blueberry girl from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I wanted to watch that movie ... real bad."

"I love Charlie's hair in that movie because it is gold."

"That was 2 rad - Bro's train of thought."

"Anyway that when Robocop entered the room with Paris Hilton."

"Robocop marched over to me and yelled, 'You're under arrest for being the ugliest mother f***er in the world!'"

"Michael Jackson busted out and revived Paris's dog."

"Then out of no where a big blue haired Joe Dirt mullet look a like guy shouted, 'That's Hot' acknowledging Paris and Nicole Richie's ties."

"Having realized my mistake I knew I wouldn't make it out alive."

"But I did."

"Then out of the blue a cold wind picked me up and carried me away and then I was sitting across from Dorothy in the Wizard of OZ but we weren't in Kansas anymore."

"The Kansas winds always stung inside my fleshless wounds."

"Make sure you water the plants!"

"As the night fell, dozens more of the flesh eating undead came out of their hidden coves."

"And their outfits were tranny-fierce."

"As the zombies approached I cowered in fear as Farid emerged and began babbling about the real world."

"My fear suddenly disappeared. Farid although feared by all because of his power over the evil zombies has a special need for me. I am the key to the new world order."

"The United States Army appeared and started to shoot down the zombies; after a brief moment the zombies reenergized."

"The zombies grabbed two soldiers by the neck and cracked together their heads; eating their brains for energy."

"The U.S. army found these creatures faster, stronger, after they had fed - confusion on what was to be done to subdue them was abound, so what are we to do, what are we to do?"

"Feed the zombies to Paris Hilton!"

"The ideas came flying but no one knew what to do. No one knew how to react. Fear pulsed across the earth, people began going crazy, committing all the acts they had always dreamed of. The most base desires and wants were worked for and everyone was prey to the dreams of their peers."

"There was no order anywhere, and no one knew how to control the crowds."

"But then, descending from the heavens, the hue mothership of the Predator race appeared through the clouds; calming all who saw it with awe."

"As the huge doors of the ship sprang open, the visitors emerged from a purple fog and spoke:"

"'Number nine... number nine... number nine...'"

"'Is this an alien language?' someone asked."

"'I don't know! Maybe it is a secret code... hmm...'"

"'I don't think its a secret code, I think...'"

"The beautiful young woman trailed off; she was, now, too stunned to speak."

"As the figure approached her, she could make out a figure with a grey beard and a yellow rain suit."

"She then realized that the figure was not wearing a train suit at all. it was really a large bird that most people call Big Bird."

"She thought to herself, 'What kind of bird is this?'"

"The bird then decided to speak to her, asking what her name was and then following with asking her to come with her so the bird could show her something."

"The bird took her to the cage where his hole bird family was hanging around. Just then Sylvester the cat showed up and chased all of them around. The girl tried to save them but it was too late, the birds were gone."

"'Your mom!'"

"Then Tweety entered the scene and made a fool of Sylvester."

"Then there was this stray cat who was hungry and killed all the birds in flight and that girl."

"The cat then arose with its whited out. There was a moment of confusion by the U.S. Army because they wondered how cartoon characters had spawned from seemingly no where."

"The cat and Tweety bird seemed to have a strange calming effect on the U.S. Army - they were almost mesmerized by their presence."

"One soldier tried to pick up one of the feathers that fell off of Tweety bird but the 'cartoonism' stained his skin. He wondered if he could think of an imaginary cartoon that relates to it."

"Then the thought of Bears with colorful fur and pictured Bellies flew into his mind and before he knew it, an army of them appeared."

"He quickly dismissed this idea and said aloud, 'What was I thinking.'"

"Then 40 years elapsed and government documents were released that led revisionest historians to believe that Big Bird had really been a democratic donkey with two heads."

"Then he woke up and thought it was all a dream, but what he doesn't realize is that he now was a chicken."

"A chicken who could shoot fire from his breath! The mean chicken rose from the bed and went to his door. Upon opening it he was thrown into the outside universe floating through space and time."

"Thrown out of the comfort and stability of his own mind. Empty of the relevance of his own space and its time. Thrown out of the stability of his own mind."

"He was out of his mind due to the insane gas prices he had to pay for the fuel for his fire breath!! Little did he know that his was actually the only sane mind to be found in a world of lunatics."

"And then, a hen flew up to him and told him to find the golden ruby of untold powers. If he could secure it,"

"he would know the true meaning of 'MMMBop" where as the world would still be searching."

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son, that who shall believe in him shall not parish, but have everlasting life. John. 3:16"

"Which is great and all, but really he just wanted that ruby."

"'Ruby?' He said it again: 'Ruby.' 'What is it?' she said languidly, pressing her head deeper into the pillow. 'Get up,' he ordered, 'It's time.' Unfurling her wings and taking out her fang file, she noted, 'God! What a pain it is being dead!'"

"'Yeah, but Peter Jennings is dead. You don't hear him complaining.'"

"A big cloud of lightning appeared in the alleyway behind my house. When it cleared, a small naked man appeared, looked around, and went to some people across the street, beat them up, and took their clothes."

"With the mystic sound of the ancient drums still beating, the dark cloud slowly closed shot. The lightning ceased, and the world was back to its crazed normal. However, I could not get the sound of the drums out of my head. The world continued on, while I fell victim to this unknown force. I felt as though I was being fallen, even sacrificed, mentally, for some ancient ritual, a rite of passage if you will. I heard the singing of the lifeless and the beating of the drums. The man who came from the dark cloud approached me, and I soon fell unconscious.

In cultures where music is still used as a magical force, the making of an instrument always involves the sacrifice of a living being. That being's soul then becomes part of the instrument and in the tunes that come forth. The 'singing dead,' who are ever present with us, make themselves heard.

I awoke. The man was dragging me into the tunnels of the subway system. There was a red door. His face was crazed and deformed, blood dripped out of his eyes and ears. The tunnel was dark. The door opened."

"Crossing the threshold., the door slammed on me, crushing my nose and my right knee. I shoved back at the door, and it struck back with equal force. The man laughed at my failure to overcome in the struggle with the door. Having given me the opportunity to walk on my own two feet, he delighted in my being doored to death, struck again and again by what should be an inanimate object. The door hit me again, seeming to be the newspaper in the hand of an angry, invisible god who wanted to thwack me in the head for daring to get on my feet. This, clearly, was not my day. And it's only Tuesday.

Finally, I rolled past the door, and was once again dragged by the man."

"When we reached the musical soul-sucking machine, he deftly hooked me up and consulted all the dials. A puzzled look crossed his face! Finally he looked at me and said, 'This is not going to work. You apparently have no soul.'"

"'And you're surprised?' I countered. 'Just what did you think 'undead' means? It's not like 'UNhappy' or 'UNwelcome' It's not just a negative - it's an alternative.'" At this point I executed a perfect Sim-shot with my left eyeball to the wastebasket. Breaking off my right index finger showed him. 'See? No blood. And no bone marrow.' I poured the thimble-fire of dust out of the first joint onto his keys as they lay on the lab bench. 'Check this out,' I added, and peeled a strip of skin off my belly. I snapped it like a rubber-band and tied it in a neat bow around my ankle.

'Unbelievable,' he cried, coming around me as he snapped frame after frame with his new Song Cybershot. 'This is so cool! These shots are going to make me famous! Unbelievable.' 'Can you... er... remove something?'

'Sure,' I said, and pulled out my gall bladder. We tossed it back and forth for a while, and he looked into my empty eye socket just for fun.

'SO,' he ventured, 'you're pretty much indestructible? But what will you do without the eye, the finger, the gull bladder?'

'Oh, I'll just replace them.'

'But how?' His excitement was veering off and he was starting to see the problems with my 'alternative.'

'It's interesting you should ask,' I said, turning to face him.

'The machine operates in reverse, does it not? Hook it up to this mountain dulcimer made in my youth, and try it again.' Unbelieving, he tried the machine again, and this time strapping it to my beloved instrument. A look of amazement crossed his face. 'The soul that lives in this instrument is actually registering on the dials!' It's a very scary sight."

"What was scarier was that either the soul or the instrument was throbbing and bulging."

"Beyond that, I felt as though I should give it all up and become a trapeze artist."

"The instrument must have read my mind because no sooner did I finish this thought did it start to impersonate the mesmerizing melody of a carnival side show."

"My mind began to race. It felt as if I really was at a carnival. I knew that the instrument couldn't possibly have the power to lift me away and onto a trapeze, right? I began to feel myself swaying and hear a crowd of people screaming my name."

"I began to feel dizzy. The room began to spin violently as the cheers became the laughter of clowns. I began to feel sick. I hated clowns, especially after what happened to me when I was six years old."

"My recovery... my recovery, destiny had thrown me a mean pitch, and with just enough intestinal tenacity I was able to snatch back all that I had lost..."

"...Until a mob of PWCs from the Newark Campus's Writer's Studio showed up with various potluck items and started chanting darkly about STD greatness. This march was more evil than any clown that even remotely resembled The Joker. At least Batman thought so."

"Batman held his head low in dismay. 'They can't!' he thought, and fumbled with his utility belt for a solution."

"Joker chomped down on a hot dog, mustard slurping down his already painted face. 'Why.so.serious, Batman?' he cackled."

"'I'm serious because this belt never really has the answers. And it's cutting off the blood to my feet,' he said and grappling-hooked away."

"Harley piped up, 'Why doncha jes slip it off an' get more comfortable, Batbritches?' She did a back flip and a round off, landing lightly at Batman's side."

"'Maybe you might like to lighten up,' she cackled as she slyly pulled the knock out gas from behind her back."

"She quickly let a spray off. Contrary to what she thought, this was the Extra Potent can! We all woke up several hours later to find out..."

"...that the swine flu had been improperly honed as -- chop fluey."

"Realizing that everyone in the room was infected by the misnamed chop-fluey, Batman quickly pulled out his portable chemistry kit in order to whip out a cure and a possible side-story."

"As the zombie saw this, she quickly yelled, 'He's got that boom boom pow! I'm so 2000 and late!!"

"Very uptown!"

"Closer and closer this creature approached. Then Matty yelled, ran from the kitchen into her bedroom..."

"Then they turned and ran away to the neighbor's house where they found an empty room with a computer where they listened to the Mike Church show.com all night."

"After the show they ran to Mexico City in order to try and save themselves from the flesh eating creatures who enjoy classic funk and Bob Dylan."

"Therefore, when the zombies come out bleeding, looking bad, she falls down and turns into a witch."

"Zombie dies and comes back alive stronger and then kills Superman and Batman."

"The zombie was afraid of the preschoolers!"

"The zombie was terrified of the puppy."

"The zombie was very scary, toward the children."

"The children were quite frightened and ran for the hills. The zombie with superhero abilities zipped to the children in blazing speed!"

"And killed every single child he could see. But suddenly ha a small change of heart and re resurrected them."

"So now all of the zombie children went after their controlling parents."

"There is life eternal in Jesus Christ."

"But suddenly I totally jumped a fence and got away from the zombie."

"The people were frightened, jumped to the hills."

"And all their heads fell off exposing their brains."

"And they got right back up again."

"And shouted Bingo!"

"It was the forth time Sally won a game -"

"Then Spongebob showed up."

"And sees that the sky is blue and filled with fireworks."

"As he was on to copy his piano work, he was confronted by a mystery woman and a zombie, Phan... he said what now?!"

"Then he said that the zombies can be friendly as long as you do not mention 'brains' in front of them. It's like teasing them."

"Sometimes, the zombies liked to be teased. He said if you want to get away trip someone and run!"

"Run as fast as you can and don't look back. If you look back you turn into a pile of mud."

"While you are running you should get out your iPod and listen to 'Zombie' by the Cranberries."

"But make sure the zombies don't start break dancing. I hear their break dancing is pretty horrible!"

"If they do, make sure to take pictures."

"The newspapers pay well, but there are dark forces that would pay better..."

"Make sure that the zombies do some awesome moves."

"Zombies don't need awesome moves... THEY'RE FREAKING ZOMBIES!!"

"Zombies don't need hoes or tricks. Zombies can't feel a thing."

"Zombies can feel this 12 gauge blow off their heads.... Resident Evil ain't got shit on D."

"Get to work and quit messing with zombies that dance and do tricks with hoes."

"You don't have to run faster than the zombies, just run faster than the fat kid..."

"Zombies do scary tricks."

"Tyler does scary tricks with Levi."

"Zombie Tyler gets poked with Levi's sword."

"In the end it all came together the moments were left behind. And everything was perfect."

"Zombie took the unicorn into the cave."

"Then Ludacris came and met The President but they got eaten by Rob Zombie... family guy style. Unfortunate, he suffered horrible indigestion."

"His indigestion was fatal and he died. Fortunately for him he was a vampire and came back."

"Vampires are scary!!!!"

"After picking up a pen, the vampire realized how far he could take this thing."

"All of a sudden giant clowns came out of the ground teaming up with the zombies to join their quest to conquer the world, there was only me vs the clowns and zombies and a bag of candy."

"As the clowns approached in their armies of clown cars with their giant balloon animals leading the front, I pelted candy at them as hard as I could!"

"Zombies are cool."

I know, it's like, they eat brains and shit, so you don't know if that makes 'em cannibals or what. After all, they're already dead. And then a black kid walks up. And the lights all went out... so they can't see the black guy anymore."

"But they smell the sweet smell of Mary Jane so he's gotta be close... then a white girl walks in..."

"Yanks off his hat and her hat - what do you think of that?"

"'Not much,' she said. 'Where have you been?' 'The same place I've been stuck for years,' he replied."

"He tried to sound deliberately vague. How could he tell her about the viral infection that he had been trying to cure for this five years? The very same infection that had caused the initial outbreak of zombies. That same infection that he now carried in his blood held off only through a make-shift vaccine."

"After the zombies killed off most of the population in America, there were still survivors that rose together to fight off the zombies."

"The survivors banded together and formed a resistance against the zombies."

"But just as the new day began, and hope blossomed into everyone, the last of the zombies torn through the resistance group's barriers and killed all but one, a male called Bob."

Bob then continued to hold his ground. It lasted for 3 weeks until finally he found a man named Fred. From there they made a run to the hills and stood to fight another day."

"They held up in a cabin for 2 days before they had to risk going out for food."

"Then they noticed that there was killer animals around and they had to kill them and fast off of them."

"The killer animals turn on Billy from the Power Ranger. The killer animal bit Billy in the leg and he turned into a zombie Power Ranger."

"Billy then went on a hunt for some gushy human blood to suck on. He went to the fair in town, a place he knew had humans."

When he went there he saw the other power rangers... except Tammy... because he's always by himself. He sucked their blood and changed them all into zombies. After that they were friends and transformed into the robot. It was a zombie robot now looking to suck on on other robots. They met up with Megatron..."

"I met this amazon woman named Jamal."

"And Jahmal Hemphill was peer pressured into writing this story."

"Terrance bit him and turned him into a zombie."

"And Shelby the king porras was feeding his bride while he was in the bath."

"But the zombie was killed by three chickens, and a dog and everyone got the virus."

"Being that everyone got the virus, no one on the planet was left on site. Not even a style reach."

"The end... Just kidding. There was a cockroach left, and his name was Frances. Frances decided to go across the planet to find the last female cockroach."

"But the cockroach never found a female cockroach, so he had to search for the last male cockroach."

"One of the biggest problems the cockroach faced was the Men in Black, who were looking for him to blow him up because he was an alien cockroach."

"But then the alien cockroach became blinded by a beaming ray of golden sun and lost all vision of the future. His master plan would never be conquered. He would have to build an army to defeat the population. No one on earth could out last the amazing cockroach species. They would finally be understood."

"Then, he threw up."

"An elephant with green ears and pink skin."

"Then, suddenly, The Joker appeared. 'How about a magic trick?' he asked the OSU students in Warner Center."

"And Batman came in and said, 'Sure, let me see.'"

"The Joker then brought each food item at the party at a decent price without meal swipes."

"The Joker then took a french fry and asked the students, 'How about a magic trick?'"

"Michael Jackson sign zombies has dancers in his new music video. Then the zombie denies his music video."

"Nathan suddenly became fed up with the mindless TV shows and music but after he turned off the tv he realized something magical was happening all around him and it had nothing to do with zombies, superheroes or Michael Jackson."

"Larry came home to see his wife in bed with his brother Berry. 'Oh shit,' Larry said. 'What is going on?' She laughed at the death of me."

"After a moment's hesitation, the Earth split open releasing winged hellspawn."

"The hellspawn cackled viciously, revealing rows of venomous teeth."

"He opened his mouth wide showing off his teeth. He then shoved a big t-bone right in his mouth and chomped down enjoying the taste."

"After tasting the sweet blood of his wife, Larry and his brother Berry took off to search for their next victim."

"Then Fairy God parents came, and tried to work their power but it didn't work. The animals were even infected."

"And then the world was affected by the swine flu and only 1 person was immune to it and his name was Will Smith."

"And then Will Smith was the only healthy man left in the world and he had to fight or the infected zombies to survive and save the world."

"After saving the world, he created a video game called 'Left 4 Dead,' detailing his journey."

"He played and played the game until a pungent amber ooze drips from his ears. He realized it was possible that the zombie infection had mutated to artificial intelligence and it had found a way to infect him."

"Then he nearly died from the infection but the Terminator saved him..."

"The Terminator took him to Arbys and bought him a gigantic roast beef sandwich."

"He nearly died from that sandwich and that's when he was visited by the three ghosts of Christmas past!!!"

"The first ghost appeared by the side of Arbys. Although the ghost seemed like an innocent young boy, he snapped his fingers and it began to rain Big Macs."

"As the Big Macs poured from the sky, humans creatures feasted on the meal with much delight."

"After the feast a new one began, human and creature began to fight."

"Spiderman climbed up a five story building and started doing back flips."

"Unknown to Spiderman, a new enemy had him in his targeting scope. Powdered Toast Man had his Cinnamon gun charged and ready to blast Spiderman all the way back to a stone aged breakfast!"

"A purple fairy came along and granted Spiderman three wishes."

"Spiderman gazed at the fairy in shock, then cast his wishes. He wished for an unlimited supply of silly string, a smart car, and the ability to look like Batman at will."

"The Batman wish turned out to be a terrible idea for as soon as he donned the Bog Beto, Will Smith, now a zombie, came a-runnin."

"'The zombie baby is creepy and he tried to attack me,' shouted Will Smith..."

"...and stab bed his girlfriend in the side of her neck and yelled, 'Waffle fries.'"

"While gazing at the bloody corpse of his beloved dead girlfriend, he nonchalantly picks his nose and eats it hungrily as if he has not eaten for days."

"He then left Chick-Fil-A with a side of human fingers, headed east on the bike trail to the shanty town called Nerk."

"Nerk was a peaceful little town with nothing fun to do. All that changed when..."

"He never looked again to the horrible place he was at."

"He never had the change to, for at that moment, Poncho-corp unleashed the deadly z-virus."

"From a distance a tiny English accented voice travels through the wind to fall on deaf ears, 'Look Mommy, there's a plane.'"

"And all of the people aboard this plane suffered without their hand lotions and paper clips."

"But oh no, the plane was not carrying people, it was transporting naro particles."

"So, they studied quantum mechanics until they eventually fell in a black hole."

"They woke up the next day noticing that there was nothing there just their floating books. So they had wondered where the plane...and then they looked up to see they were being eaten by a a a..."

"Slimy, grueling, cyborg monster from the planet Zorg. The best part of this monstrosity? Why, its a pink-speckled scales, of course!"

"It is widely known in the cyborg world that the slimy ones with the pink-speckled scales are the most dangerous. However, what is not widely known about htem is their spectacular tap dancing ability. Therefore, when the slimy, pink-speckled cyborg began to dance a merry jig, the people from the plane were understandibly confused."

"Suddenly, Michael Jackson appeared! We all thought he died but he actually fell into this black hole!"

"Soon enough he started dancing again we had gotten tired of it so we hit him in the head with a baseball bat and he got knocked out. We trecked around the ship into a room with oh my a..."

"It's Latoya Jackson! She looks dead but is breathing heavy, coming toward us with her hands outstretched, her talons sharp, ready to attack."

"Me and Rob ran from her but for someone looking so slow walked so fast enough we were caught in her grip of steel. She looked so weak but she was so strong. I could feel her hot musty breath on my face. I just looked at Rob and was just wondering...if I turned off the stove at home and how are we going to get out of this one? Check her pulse."

"And then I thought I did turn the stove off, so I can also remember the queue to get out!"

"There were a group of women from Uties who though they could and would write their stories. They wrote, laughed and shared and..."

"Life became more simple and crazy at the same time. Dance and prance and never let go........"

"The birds flew out to see and breated fresh air on the..."

"burning deck."

"'Ya har har.' Said ye first mate. The deck was burning because of all ye poop on the poop deck. 'It was stinky, and me beard reeks of ye deck,' said Captain Dick Army. Mr. Krabs was on his way, and he surely doesn't appreciate a smelly deck."

"This long, all of a sudden, moment gave us a chance to escape. We finally came to a real scene. The edge of city line. All we had to do was cross the deadly highway. There was a bridge, but that explosion we heard before was the bridge blowing up. 'GO! MOVE! They're gaining!' Rob kept shouting. We ran towards the bushes into the highway. It was a wasteland of cars and no one was there. Then the zombies stopped following, they walked in place at the shoulder of the highway. 'Why did they stop?" Asked Sarah, then a zombie hand rose from the consuming a stalled semi..."

"...'WTF' said Rob."

"As the zombies gathered, the survivors stood their ground with weapons ablaze and began unloading everything they had into the undead. As the smoke cleared and the gunshots roared into silence, they could see..."

"...a huge factory ahead they had no idea how it got there but they decided to choose to go in, and Rob was still wondering about that one zombie. 'Does he have it in for Sarah,' No, can't be...well as we found out inside that factory had been something so vicious, so cruel, so up wreathing...it was huh...they gasped it was a......."

"Kitten, however, let us make it clear that it was not just a vicious kitten. It was a misunderstood kitten that had a tough kittenhood, as the kitten had experienced an immense amount of..."

"Soap opera drama."

"Then the zombie turned him into a zombie kitten..."

"And the kitten launched its attack, turning the thousands of rats nesting in the factory into zombies. YES! The army has been farmed!"

"To which the birds will foil the kitten's evil plan!"

"After the birds attempted to foil the kitten's plan they planned to take over the world and then have a tea party!"

"Drunk on tea the kitten took a zombie, chunk-sized bite off of..."

"The moon, which as many of yiou may know had catastrophic effects on the tides and gravitational pull of Earth."

"Call before you die."

"Ok."

"And so ended the long drawn out rant of Professor Elliot Dogwood abou the longterm effects of continuous LSD use."

"We didn't know what to do, so we followed the yellow brick road to gumdrop pop land. As I see the lolipop gals they sung. WTF, I thought to myself, what should I do? I thought I had escaped that crazy kitten, but it turns out that..."

"She ate fried chicken."

"As the last sentence of this book is consumed by my eyes and sinks deep into the pink, meaty flesh of my concentrated brain, I gasp. This can't be the end! I must write. I must continue what has been sustained all these years! What has kept my heart filled with a bit of confused joy since I found this charred masterpiece amongst the ruin of my old hometown. Newark, Ohio. Yes, I found this small, handwritten token of the past right here. I cracked it open gently and sat on the same pile of broken concrete it had been trapped underneath.

For the past four hours, this book has been my lifeline. Why? You probably already know, for you have most likely faced your own sort of apocalyptic depression out here in this vast wasteland that was once a small urban growth. No, all that's gone now. The bombs wiped out everything. That is, everything that wasn't ravaged by the disease. Everything that wasn't human flesh.

I only survived because I'm immune, and because I was on a desert retreat with my rehab group in the Mojave. We didn't know anything about the bombs, the nuclear warfare, until we saw the plumes rise up over the horizon. The plumes, the most recognizeable, and yet, the most unfamiliar shapes I have ever seen. I thought that their catastrophic blasts had burned everything to dust. But not this book. As I traveled back to Ohio over the many miles, the burnt, dead plains, the scarred and blackened mountains, I would have never thought that something so small could have survived.

And here I sit, completely finished with this remarkable fold of papers, this impervious parchment. It is almost as if this book is undying: an exquisite zombie. A masterpiece of collaborative creativity. But I must leave it now, leave it exactly where I have found it so that it might be discovered by some other wayward wanderer, or perhaps, a future culture. And maybe, just maybe, it will serve a great a purpose in that time as it did to me now. A beautiful, grotesque, wonderful jumble of mixed thoughts and emotions. A piece of what used to be here, right here where I sit and where I write. This book has given me hope. If it can survive this holocaust then so can I. I leave you now, future reader, to continue this story, because it is as much yours as it is mine, and as much mine as it was the hundreds of other authors who scribbled on its battered pages. It is endless ink."

"Then The ink faded into a darker black."

"As the black ink began to change into words, numbers, symbols, a message appeared that read...'Never feel safe, the second you least expect it you will be cahsed to your death'. When I read the message I was terrified to a point where I couldn't move or speak."

"Until all the overflow of emotions came out in one long, drawn-out spurt of flatulence... a liberating one."

"And they called it igneous rock."

"The igneous rock was about a 6 on Mohn's hardness scale, metallic in luster, and gritty to the touch. Some thought of it as Galena, or perhaps Magnetite...the origin of this crystallized lava stone will be never known to man; only to Dr. St. John."

"But we didn't really care what type of rock it was, too dangerous to worry about that. We had to have been running for a while and got to what looked like a secluded mall with no one around. we got in and there was a viscious, mean and rabid army of gummy bears, waiting for us!!!"

"So we ate them. All of them; ignoring their screams and whimpers."

"But after we ate them, we became terribly sick and threw them back up. After we threw them up, the reassembled and became zombie gummy bears doing...THE THRILLER!"

"We were all just standing there, watching them dance, that we got so antsy and started to dance ourselves! When the song was over, the zombies turned to us and began to attack us!"

"But it was good that one of us watched enough flashmobs to do thriller. We somehow survived and we were accepted as one of them."

"Zombies can only be influenced by an extremely catchy song for so long."

"We must sacrifice someone. I vote Beth."